North Korea through a nongovernment program and met my family members.

First seeing them, I was filled with joy and happiness. After leaving, I constantly wrote letters to them. I had learned that two of my family members had passed away. It was a bittersweet feeling to know that I was unable to say goodbye to my father or pay my respects to him when he died. I felt like I was robbed of knowing what had happened to my own family.

Once, my family told me in a letter that they were in need of money. So, I began sending money, but after I found out that the government did not directly pass on the money to family members, I felt so devastated and discouraged that I stopped sending letters altogether.

I wish there were more programs for Korean Americans to meet their divided family members without all the risks of robbers or corruption. I remember thinking that I would be able to go back anytime and visit my family after the war. But it’s been such a long time since I’ve kept contact with them that I wouldn’t be able to confirm who my family members are.

It’s sad that I don’t even know who’s still alive and who’s not. It’s an unfair and tricky situation. There is a very minute, slim chance that you’ll meet your family member. And if you do, you’ll go back home and miss them and lament over how you can’t hug them or see them whenever you want to. Sometimes, I wish that I had not gone in the first place knowing that I have to live with this near hopeless yearning in my heart every day. I don’t know what the solution is; maybe it’s reunification. But this is my struggle along with thousands of others.